Love Letter – – conclusion


So down that I slept 20 of 24 hours and despaired of the other 4.  Despair.  What does Bertrand Russell know of despair?  What does the writer of Hank know of despair?  Unyielding despair so corrosive that it didn’t leave me desperate.

I hate you God – – just kill me and send me to hell.  Love Letter – – penultimate   from the beginning

I’m crying again.  It’s been a very long time since I confessed those words and everything behind them.  By now you understand why I will not, can not stand in judgment over you and Russell.  By now you understand why I can love you both courageously – – even if you think you’re walking away.  I can’t write anymore J.  It’s unusual for me to feel this way.  I’m exhausted but content.  I know that God is real.  I know that scripture is reliable.  I hope to be a saint that honestly presents himself as once wretched, now redeemed by amazing grace.  Thanks for being my friend.  I hope this didn’t shock you.  You realize that I needed to write it more than you needed to read it.

Always in Christ – – Pascal –1:16

P.S.  So there it is.  A two year old letter about foundational events in my life a quarter century ago.  Why did I write it?  To testify to where I came from and why I needed to turn.  I think that suffering is part of life.  Buddhism does not resonate with me because the avoidance of suffering is not a noble path.  To suffer with another in compassion is.  That’s who Jesus is to me.  He reached into my wreck of a life and loved me.  Then he told me through scripture to love others like he had loved me.  I was not easy to love.  Others are not easy to love. But it does make sense to me.  It is internally consistent and resonates with my experience, heart, soul, mind and strength.  Does personal experience give me an airtight reason to believe and complete immunization against doubt?  Of course not.  But to deny this influence would be false.  It is certainly part of my reason to follow Christ and to love.  I’m willing to let the other parts unfold over years.

Photo credit:  Handwritten letter by Descarte: by PHGCOM [CC BY-SA 3.0 ( via Wikimedia Commons


  1. Pascal: your story has made an impact on me that I’m unable to describe. I know I am repeating myself but I am really glad you have chosen to share your story with us even though it must have been painful to do so. I consider your story sacred ground and I hope my comments along the way have remained along that line you mentioned that stands between yin and yang.

    After reading this post I’ve been thinking for a few hours now about how important our stories and experiences are and it reminded me of this post I’d like you to read. It’s not my story but it is my humble view of the varied experiences that walk the earth. I just re-read it and I’m convinced you’ll find it respectful and conciliatory.

    I am going to miss my daily “Pascal letter fix”, but that’s ok – I am reminded of something my father says to me every time we leave from a vacation visiting my parents. As we make the round of hugs he always sees the look of sadness on my face as I walk to the door and every time he says “all good things must come to an end”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “I just re-read it and I’m convinced you’ll find it respectful and conciliatory.”
      Respectful, conciliatory, and true. Thank you Howie – – I look forward to our friendship evolving.

      Liked by 1 person


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